Ocarina of time THE PARODY!
by Lord Dread Raven
Summary: I think the title sums it up, no? Behold! My personal OOT parody filled with partes, idiots, killing random people, and no small bit of raunchy material!
1. Chapter 1

**Lord Dread Raven: Hello, and welcome to my parody of epicness!**

**Link: You're kidding.**

**Raven: Eh?**

**Link: You have four other stories going, one of which is on hiatus, and NONE of them are even REMOTELY similar to Legend of Zelda! Just what is wrong with you?**

**Raven:** **SILENCE! I'M THE AUTHOR! I MAKE THE RULES! Anyway, I own nothing.**

Chapter one

Running Inside a Stupid Tree.

"Navi…Navi…Wherefore art thou Navi?"

The little blue ball with wings rose into the air.

"Why are you speaking Shakespearian?" She asked. "I thought you hated Shakespeare."

"*cough* Sorry. The author was trying to be accurate. Anyway, I need you to find the cross dresser without a fairy, and who I thought _was _one, until I learned he was flirting with several of the girls. I need yo to find him and have him kill a thing that crawled up inside me."

Navi shrugged and flew off, until she came upon Link's house.

"Hey. Wake up." She snapped at him.

"Zzzzzz…"

"Get up you bum!" She snapped, bouncing on his head a few times.

"Zzzzzz…"

"SCREW THIS!" She left for a moment and came back with the Kokiri sword. With a violent motion, she jabbed him in the arm.

"OW!" He yelped, leaping upright. He glared at the little fairy.

"You dare wake me up!" He snarled, grabbing the sword from Navi. He charged after her, babbling incoherently.

"Don't make me use my evil fairy powers!" Navi snarled as she dodged Link's sword swings.

"HA! YOU HAVE NO POWERS!"

Navi took a deep breath.

"HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT!"

"AAAAK!" Link screamed. "Please! No more! I beg you! I'll do anything!"

Navi glared at him. "Get your ass over to the Great Deku Tree. Pronto."

"Yes ma'am!" He said in an emotionless voice as he climbed the ladder to leave his house.

Saria was at the bottom waiting for him.

"Hi Link!" She called, looking utterly insane. "I'd go into a speech here, but the author is too lazy to write it! Anyway, you need to get a shield, 'cause Mido's being an asshole and not letting people past."

**Hey! **A voice hissed from nowhere. **The fourth wall is hard to fix you know!**

Link sighed then went to the store. Rather than pay for the shield, he merely stabbed the shopkeeper and took the shield.

"Link!" Navi sighed. "Stop killing people that you aren't supposed to."

"What's the matter?" Link asked. "He's not important, and besides, I didn't have to pay him!"

"You- oh forget it."

He walked past Mido- actually over him- and proceeded to the Great Deku Tree.

Suddenly a trio of withered Deku Baba sprouted up and began wiggling in little circles.

Link stood an inch outside of their reach.

"Hahaha." He cackled as they wiggled at him furiously. Finally, he got bored and cut them down, their stems becoming Deku sticks.

"DADADADAAA!" A random man in a pair of underpants screamed. "You got a Deku Stick! You can go to the pause menu and equip it with C! It works like a sword except its crappy and breaks really fast but you can also set stuff n fire!" And with that, he vanished.

"…"

"…"

"What the hell was that?" Link asked.

"And what the hell is C?" Navi countered.

They decided to ignore that and walk into the Great Deku Tree's field.

"Great Deku Tree! I brought the crossdresser!"

"Oh…Thank you. (Not) Anyway, Link I have a job for you to do. There is a thing inside my spleen and its eating me."

"A GIANT TAPEWORM?"

If he wasn't a tree, then the GDT would have shrugged.

"I dunno. Maybe. Anyway, you have to kill it." He slowly opened his mouth.

"Why should I?" Link grumbled.

"I'll let you keep whatever isn't a monster or part of me."

"Okay. I guess I could go in then…" He grumbled as he walked into the GDT's mouth.

Link climbed up to the first treasure chest he found.

"YAY! What is it?" He asked.

"DADADADAAA!" The underpants man screamed. "You got the dungeon map! It shows where you are in the dungeon!" He vanished in a puff of smoke.

Link kept going. When he reached the room with a Deku Scrub in it, he beat it over the head with his shield until it was a bloody pulp.

Finally Link made it into the back room.

"DADADADAAA! You got the slingshot! It-gurrrk!" Navi got sick of the man and strangled him violently.

Now, to save time, the asshole writer skips to the room before the boss room.

"Get outta our way…" Link glared at the Deku scrubs.

The scrubs fell about laughing, before launching into a barrage of attacks. Link merely reflected their attacks back at one another, but they seemed to keep getting up. Finally, they died from laughing so hard they asphyxiated.

"Finally." Link muttered, going into the last room.

"Are we in the spleen, or the kidneys?" Link asked.

"I think it's the stomach…"

They bickered back and forth, not noticing the huge spider glaring at them from the ceiling. Finally, it got sick of hearing them argue and dropped to the ground.

"SHUT UP!" It screeched.

"AAAH!" Link yelped. "It's a giant spider!"

"Spider?" The spider snarled. "I am queen Gohma!"

"Oh…So those little guys I killed were your babies?"

"You killed them?"

"Uh…Yes."

"OH THANK YOU!" Gohma screamed, bowing down to Link and Navi. "Those little brats had been living with me for far too long. I'd have killed them myself if it wasn't for the fact that I couldn't get into half of the rooms that they were in!" She bowed again. "Thank you little crossdresser!"

"WHY DO YOU ALL SAY THAT?" Link screeched.

Then a blue circle thingy appeared and they all left.

"Oh…Link… Why is the tapeworm thing with you?" The GDT asked.

"I prefer spider." Gohma grumbled.

"Oh, whatever. Now listen Link, even though you got the spider out of me, I'm still gonna die."

"GODDAMMIT!" Link swore. "I DID ALL THAT FOR A SLINGSHOT!"

"Oh shut up and take this emerald to Princess Zelda." Grumbled the Deku tree. "And let me die in peace."

"O-kay…" Link muttered, eyebrow raised slightly.

He turned to leave, but Mido tried to block his path.

Thanks to Gohma, I say tried.

They went to the bridge thing and crossed over.

"NINJA!" Saria screamed as she appeared from nowhere.

"AAAK!" Gohma fell over backwards and writhed about, trying to stand.

"So…you're leaving?" Saria asked.

"Yep." Said Link in a flat emotionless voice.

"Well then, take this." Saria handed him an ocarina. "Because even though it seems completely useless and you'll get another after you beat the third dungeon, it is still a necessary item to save the world."

"Huh?" Said Link, Navi and Gohma in unison.

"You heard me." Saria said shiftily.

Link got scared for some reason at that point and decided to run.

**Do not play with his mind! **The mystery voice snarled. **It's hard to make funny jokes seem original!**

"Oh, go take a ride on a Wolfos!" Saria countered. "You're not the uptight type anyway."

**It's easier making Invader Zim and JTHM sound funny…**

"That's because they're already funny!"

**Enough nonsense! Let me get on with the goddamned story!**

IN HYRULE FIELD

"Hoot, hoot… up here Link!"

"AAAAAH! GIANT OWL!" Link screamed.

"…I was gonna help you, but I think I'll just-ow!

Link shot him with his slingshot.

"You little-ow! THAT'S IT!" The owl suddenly swooped down on Link.

"DIE OWL!" Screamed Navi as she viciously rammed into owl, sending off into the distance.

"Can we go now?" Griped Gohma in irritation.

**Raven:** **Wasn't that fun?**

**Link: That…That was horrible. That was perfectly horrible.**

**Gohma:** **Oh shut up.**

**Link: Make me!**

**Gohma:** **RRRGH!**

**Link: Aieeeek!**

**Navi: Review everyone!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Raven:** *hums the Legend of Zelda opening* Welcome back to this parody including substance abuse, parties, lunatics, and various monsters of all types!

**Gohma:** Get on with it you bum!

**Raven: **I own nothing.

**Chapter two**

**Party with the undead!**

Link, Gohma and Navi made their way across Hyrule field.

"Why is the field so damn big?" Link complained as he trudged towards the castle. "You'd think that the game developers were trying to make us get bored and quit!"

**(NO BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! I THOUGHT I MADE THAT CLEAR LAST CHAPTER!)**

"Shut up Raven" Navi snapped. "No one cares what you think."

**(I could kill you all…) **Raven's voice hissed.

"You just try it!" Gohma boomed.

Suddenly a Peahat burst out of the ground and attacked them. After the longest possible battle against a non-boss/miniboss monster, the Peahat was dead.

"Okay," Navi moaned. "From now on, what Raven says, GOES. Agreed?"

There was a general air of agreement for the rest of the day.

When they reached the castle town, it was night.

"What?" Gohma muttered. "It was afternoon five seconds ago!"

Before this mystery could be pondered, a massive gang of Stalchilds burst out of the ground.

"Yo, peeps!" Called one. "Wanna join our party?"

"We got beer and weed!" Called another, who was wearing sunglasses.

"Chips and dip and a DJ and the works!" Another called, breakdancing.

"A party?" Link asked, glancing at Navi and Gohma.

"HELL YES!" They all yelled at once.

"ALLRIGHT!" A Stalchild crowed, fist-pumping. "We got three more party-goers! Awesome! So let's see… A floating blue ball, a spider and a crossdresser. They MUST party hard!"

Link's eye twitched. Before he could maim the offending Stalchild, Navi grabbed his collar.

"You had better run." She advised.

"KILL!" Link howled, running in place towards the Stalchild, who took the hint and fled underground.

After that they partied. Drugs, beer and fast electronic music followed.

That was when a group of soldiers came out of the town.

"Aw, man." Moaned the Stalchild with sunglasses. "It's the fuzz! Can't they just let us have our fun?"

"Alright boys," Said the lead soldier, "Party's over-" Before he could say another word, Gohma pounced out and proceeded to eat him.

"We," She said coldly "Are gonna party 'till the sun comes up. Any objections?"

The soldiers decided not to object. The party went on, with much congratulatory patting of Gohma's back.

Link had ended up in a dance battle with a gigantic Stalchild. His opponent was finishing a fast dance that looked suspiciously like the Foxtrot. He got a six, a three, and four and a half from the judges.

Link came up then and did a mixture of dances including a Russian dance, a headspin and a backflip. He got a nine, an eight and nine and a half.

The party ended when the sun came up, and Link and Navi had to dunk Gohma's head in the moat to sober her up.

"You were drunk." Navi apologized.

"I was not drunk!"

"Dude," said the last Stalchild, "You were screaming 'I love Rebecca Black's 'Friday'." Before he vanished underground.

Gohma was silent for a moment.

"Holy shit, how much beer did I have?"

**Castle Town.**

Since Castle Town is currently panicking due to a giant spider having eaten four people, we have no information of what was going on.

**Hyrule Castle**

Link carefully climbed up the vines to try and get into the castle. Judging by the screams, Gohma was enjoying herself.

After sneaking past the guards and swimming through the moat, Link came across a guy who was sleeping. Link calmly stabbed him in the arm. The man woke up, screamed something about his daughter and ran, somehow not drawing the attention of the guards.

Link used the well placed boxes to sneak into the storm drain. He crept past a few of the guards.

"You know something?" One muttered.

"What?"

"If we weren't walking in circles, it would be almost impossible to sneak past us!"

"LUNATIC!" Shrieked the other guard, who impaled him on his spear.

After easily sneaking past the guards, Link came into the courtyard.

"Umm…" Before he could address the girl who was spying through a window, a shadow appeared next to him and Gohma crashed down.

"I'M BACK!" Gohma howled, quickly getting the attention of the girl at the window.

"AAAAAH! SPIDER!" She shrieked, grabbing a flyswatter. "Wait…" She muttered. "You're from the forest right?"

"Uh, yes…" They all answered at once.

"I see… I had a dream that the world would be saved by a crossdresser from the forest."

After that, she related her dream to them, explained who she was and asked them to get the spiritual stones.

"What's in it for us?" Link asked, suspicious.

"Well, first of all," Zelda said. "You can keep whatever items you get in your journey, secondly, you gain access to Death Mountain and Zora's Domain. Thirdly," And when she said this she gave Link an evil look, "I might let you-" And then she whispered in his ear.

Link's eyes widened in terror, but also in hope.

"I'm in." He said suddenly.

"Eh, I need something to do anyway," Gohma shrugged.

"Well…" Navi muttered. "I guess it will be fun to watch Link getting ferociously torn apart by monsters."

They made a deal and got a letter to give them access to Death Mountain.

When the three adventurers turned, they saw a ninja woman who appeared from nowhere.

"NINJA!" She yelled, grabbing them and dragging them out of the castle, dumping them out in the field. But not before teaching Link a song that was supposed to help them somehow.

"How will a fucking song help us?" He yelled at the ninja lady, who merely threw down a Deku nut and vanished.

"Ninja bitch." Navi muttered, as they headed towards Kakiriko Village.

**Raven:** **WHEE HEE! WASN'T THAT FUN!**

**Link: I hate you.**

**Gohma: Review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Raven: FINALY! A REVIEW! I like reviews… They make me feel all warm and squishy inside…**

**Gohma: …Aren't you already?**

**Raven: Shut up.**

**Link: Raven owns nothing.**

**Chapter Three**

**Meeting Dinosaurs, Running from Hugs, and Hideous Fairies.**

After Gohma ate the guard blocking the way to Death Mountain, the trio made their way up the mountain, hampered only slightly by the Tektites along the way.

"Stupid…insects…" Huffed Link, rubbing a bite wound on his leg.

"They make a nice buffet though," Commented Gohma, spitting out a claw.

Navi sighed in irritation.

"Can we skip the pointless eating of others for ten seconds? We need to find the Goron's Ruby."

"Why do we wanna do that again?"

"Link, you have the attention span of a hyperactive puppy."

"Oh look. A rock-man"

Navi facepalmed.

"Huh?" The Goron muttered, looking up. "AAAAH!" He screeched upon seeing Gohma.

He tried to run without dropping his little plastic bag, but failed miserably. The little bag was full of strangely colored rocks.

"They smell like weed." Gohma grumbled, tossing it aside.

They made their way up the mountainside without anything to impede their progress. Not including a Goron that rolled on past them. At any rate, when they made it to Goron City, Link went to a Goron and began asking him questions. After he had heard enough, he sighed and went back to Gohma and Navi.

"They're all addicts. They mine rocks that have various hallucinogenic effects when melted down and mixed into beer. Recently their mine has been taken over by a street gang of fire-breathing reptilians who have been selling them the rocks for an exorbitant price."

"You're kidding."

"Unfortunately, no."

"So now what?" Navi asked.

"I'll have to talk to the Goron's leader and see if I can't get him to give us the Spiritual Stone of Fire." He sighed and facepalmed. "They say he _hates_ visitors. Gohma, would you be a bit of a bodyguard for me? Otherwise, he might decide to pummel me to death."

They went to the bottom of the city, only to find that the Goron's leader, Darunia, had sealed the door shut. Link decided to play Zelda's Lullaby, because it was supposed to do random shit.

To his delight, it worked.

"Why the- Oh forget it." Navi muttered as they went in.

"Who the fuck are you?" Snarled Darunia at the trespassers. "No one is supposed to come in except for fucking members of the fucking royal family!"

"Whoa!" Gohma hissed. "Cool it."

"GET OUT!" He roared, standing upright.

Swiftly they fled the room, Link grabbing a torch to set the door on fire. Somehow he managed to not only fail miserably at this, but also lit a bomb flower on fire that opened up a large tunnel. Curiosity drove them forth into the tunnel. When they came out again, they were in the forest.

"How the hell did we end up in the Lost Woods?" Link asked, glancing about.

"Hoo, hoo… I found you…" A cold dread filled the air.

Link looked up in horror. It was Kaebora Gaebora, the stalker owl.

"CURSE YOU STALKER!"

"Listen…do you hear the music? Follow it and you'll get something ni-OW!"

He had been hit on the head with a Deku Nut.

"GODDAMN YOU! I'M TRYING TO HELP!" The owl screeched in rage, as he fled the scene with a bleeding head.

"I HATE that owl." Link snarled.

They randomly walked through the forest and were magically warped to the Sacred Forest Meadow.

"How did we get here?" Link asked in confusion.

"Do not question the world." Gohma muttered. "Just let go and don't look a gifted horse in the mouth."

"O-kay…" Said Link, who was being eaten from behind by a Wolfos.

"Look, would you stop that?" He snapped at it, grabbing it by the tail.

"YIPE!" The Wolfos yelped, before vanishing in a wave of blue flames.

"Well that was pointless." Navi grumbled as they made their way through the maze-like portion of the Meadow.

When they made it to the end of the meadow, Saria was there, playing her ocarina.

"So you're the one making us listen to this song!" Link gasped. "And I thought it was a skull kid!"

"No duh it was me!" Saria snapped. "This song has a neat effect that sometimes drives people crazy and makes it so they can't stop dancing for a while! It also makes them feel more cheery. Isn't that neat?"

"…I…Guess?"

"Play along and remember it."

So he learned Saria's Song.

Then, so as to save time, they magically warp to _after_ they played the song to Darunia.

"WOW!" He said, huffing from his horrible dancing. "I feel… different! Haha! MY TROUBLES are fucking GONE! Why'd you come here kid?"

"Uhh, I need the Spiritual Stone of Fire…"

"WHAT THE FUCK! You want our best drug? All you have to do is lick it and you get high! NO ADVERSE EFFECTS!"

"Um."

"Well… tell you what. If you can convince the Dodongo gang to let us have our mine back, I'll let you have the Ruby."

"I'm very convincing…" Gohma hissed, clicking her jaws menacingly.

**Dodongo's Cavern entrance**

"It sure was nice of Darunia to give me this bracelet." Link commented. "I can make things go BOOM now!"

Navi and Gohma were hiding at the other end of the room.

"YAY! THEY GO BOOM!" Link yelled as he destroyed the Beamos

"I'm gonna run away now." Whimpered a baby Dodongo.

Link made his way through the Cavern, trying to find the Dodongos and their boss. When he found a bag full of bombs, every living thing in the dungeon took cover.

Finally, they fell into a large room filled with Dodongo's and the gigantic King Dodongo.

"I'm tellin' you Kingy," A Dodongo crowed. "We are gonna be RICH when this operation is over."

The King merely snarled.

"I am SICK of you lot doing stuff I don't tell you to! One more slip up, and you're fired!"

"But you wanted to deny them access to da rocks!" The Dodongo said in confusion.

"And who told you that?"

"Ricky."

The King smashed his claw down on Ricky, preventing him from moving.

"Don't fire me boss!" He yelped. "I was only tryin' to earn us some dough!"

King Dodongo calmly torched flames over Ricky, incinerating him.

"So this was all a big screw-up then?" Gohma asked in confusion.

"HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE!" Roared one of the Dodongos.

"About fifty seconds." Link shrugged.

"Why are you even here?" Kingy boomed.

"The Gorons asked us to save their drugs." Navi shrugged.

"Well, you don't get to!" Squeaked a baby. "Kingy, yo' are a tyrant! WE REVOLT!" And with that, the Dodongo's swarmed their king.

"Oh shit." Gohma sighed. "Now we have to help him."

Link began tossing bombs about, scattering Dodongos and making them explode. Navi somehow was grabbing them by the tails and flipping them violently into each other. Gohma discovered that they were delicious. They tasted like cotton candy apparently.

Kingy was rolling over and crushing them, occasionally spewing fire, his deadly claws slashing his subordinate's hides. But they wouldn't stop coming. More and more spewed out.

Link finally ran out of bombs.

"GODDAMNIT!" He swore, before discovering that Dodongo's explode when they die. He grabbed a stray baby, stabbed it, and threw it. It set off a chain reaction that blew up all of the Dodongos except for the king.

"Whew! Glad that's over!" The king gasped. "Thanks much! I'd pay you but I'm broke. The little bastards all stole my money!"

"That's okay." Link shrugged, and they went into the cool blue light circle thingy that warped them out of the dungeon.

When they made it outside, Darunia patted Link on the back so hard that Link fell to the ground.

"YOU FUCKING DID IT!" Darunia crowed. "I didn't think you could! I keep my promises! Here's the pride of the Goron's! The ultimate drug! GORON'S RUBY!"

"What the hell?" Link muttered, grabbing the Ruby.

"You should probably head to the top of Death Mountain. There's a fairy there that is said to assist travelers. Hey brothers! Let's see this guy off!" Darunia called.

Two Gorons suddenly dropped down.

"Howz about a big Goron hug?"

"AHHHHHH!" Link, now accompanied by a giant Dodongo fled to the top of Death Mountain.

When he got there, he decided to blow up a wall. He was rather surprised to find a tunnel.

"OOO!" He said and the group of four managed to squeeze down. Seeing a Triforce symbol on the ground, he played Zelda's Lullaby.

THEN. The most horrifying creature in existence appeared as if from nowhere.

A great fairy. A massive, hideous woman, clad only in vines and boots, burst from the ground.

The unfortunate group was painfully blinded.

"MY EYES!" Howled Link.

"Hello Link," The oblivious fairy said. "I'm going to give you the gift of magic power! Receive it now!"

And then Link was gone, running as fast as he could, followed by Gohma, who's clawed legs skittered against the ground, King Dodongo, who was curled up and rolling, and Navi, who was so horrified at what she had seen a stream of vomit followed her.

**Raven:** ** Well, that was much better than my previous chapters!**

**King Dodongo: Only because of me!**

**Raven: AS IF! Review everyone!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Raven: Why aren't you people reviewing? I NEED reviews! I need them or I will explode… that happens to me sometimes.**

**King Dodongo:** **O_O Raven owns nothing…**

**Chapter three**

**Fish Problems**

King Dodongo was enjoying some sushi.

"Mmm… Octorock…" He mumbled around his mouthful.

"Do you HAVE to eat every monster that gets in our way?" Navi grumbled.

"Of COURSE not!" Kingy laughed. "I never ate any Lizalfos, now did I?"

"Navi, stop bitching at us." Gohma snapped. "We just fought through an army of Dodongo's! Give us a break!"

"Yeah!" Agreed Link, sitting alongside the riverbank. "We are covered in burns and bite marks! We just need a rest."

Navi huffed and beat the shit out of a nearby bean seller to vent some steam. When she was finished turning him into a bloody pulp, she glanced at the others.

"Are you done now?"

They merely nodded in terror.

"And just think," Link whispered. "She was bitching at _me_ for killing people in chapter one."

After walking down the river, devouring the occasional Tektites and Octorocks, they reached a dead-end, blocked off by a waterfall.

"RANDOM SONG!" Link yelled happily, playing Zelda's lullaby. Suddenly the waterfall parted.

"Wow." King Dodongo muttered. "A song should not be able to do that."

They hopped through the waterfall, with Link explaining:

"Do not question the ways of Hyrule." he said calmly. "Not only are they fucked up, but they will likely make your head explode."

King Dodongo blinked. "That's the most intelligent thing you've said in your life isn't it?"

"I don't like thinking. It hurts."

"I rest my case."

"Link's a _little_ stupid," Navi explained. "But not _that_ stupid."

Link scowled. "I think I resent that."

"No you don't," Gohma clicked irritably. "You don't think, remember?"

"What was I saying?" Link asked, rubbing his eyes weakly.

They suddenly found themselves in a big chamber with an overweight Zora.

"Our Princess is missing…" He sobbed. "I will give anyone who has information a reward."

King Dodongo twitched. "A reward…" He murmured, drooling slightly.

They continued down the path, thinking that there might be a special treasure there or something. All they found was a Zora.

"Hey wanna try a game?" The Zora asked. "If you can get all the rupees I throw in the water, you'll get something nice!"

"How 'bout you just give it to us and we won't devour you?" Gohma retorted.

The Zora's eye twitched.

"I summon the spirit of water to crush-" He was immediately beaten, impaled, torched, and devoured, IN THAT ORDER. They took the little scale thingy in a glass ball.

"DADADADAAA!" The underpants man from chapter one suddenly appeared from nowhere. "YOU GOT THE SILVER SCALE! It lets you dive deeper!" Before once again vanishing.

"Navi?" Link asked. "You killed him."

"Damn this story and all of its inconsistencies." Navi grumbled.

**YOU DARE BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!** Boomed the author-voice. **DO I NEED TO BABYSIT YOU!**

Navi coolly raised her middle finger to the sky. Err, roof. Instantly she was struck by a powerful bolt of lightning.

"AIEEEK!"

A dead silence followed.

"I thought we decided that whatever Raven says, goes." Gohma complained

"We did. Link growled softly "I would scold Navi, but I don't think she would hear me." Navi was still gibbering on the ground with smoke rising off of her body.

Using his new silver scale, Link dove into the Domain and discovered a passage that led to Lake Hylia. How he survived without asphyxiating is beyond me. It didn't help that he forgot how to swim halfway through the tunnel.

"Help!" He yelled as he surfaced in Lake Hylia "I can't breathe!"

"Link…" Navi facepalmed. "You're at the surface."

"Oh, yeah…"

He floated there for a few seconds with a blank expression on his face. He floated. And floated. Then he saw the bottle.

"SHINY!" He screamed, diving down and came back up, gnawing happily on the bottle.

"Link…" Navi sighed, before dragging him back into the Domain. "That was pointless."

"Hey guys!" Link said happily, waving to Gohma and Dodongo, who had been waiting patiently. "I found this paper in a shiny!" He waved a small message in one hand and the bottle in the other.

"DADADAAA!" The man yelled, a little late for once. "You got a message in a bottle! Give it to King Zora to do some more stuff!"

"…Okay…" Link shrugged, going up the stairs to see King Zora. As though anyone wanted to see that fat-ass.

The King read the message and then sat upright.

"Princess Ruto is in Jabu-Jabu's belly?" He gasped.

"What in the _fuck _is a Jabu-Jabu?" Navi asked abruptly.

"Our guardian deity." The Zora King shrugged. "A giant lazy fish that only ever moves to eat. All he does is open his mouth and inhale. The best way to get in is to offer him a fish. If you rescue her, I'll give you _anything_ you desire. With a few limitations."

He moved over. He scooted sideways a second time. A third. Agonizingly slow.

"I'm bored out of my mind…" Link moaned as the king scooted over.

"You don't have a mind to be bored out of." Gohma muttered.

Finally the King was out of the way. However he had blocked off the path.

"Oops." He said, possibly with a manic giggle. He began scooting the other way.

"SCREW THIS!" Kingy roared as he curled into a ball and smashed the king aside. The world rejoiced as he got rid of possibly one of the most morbidly obese creatures in Hyrule. The other being himself.

"It takes a fatty to kill a fatty." Gohma muttered.

"This is muscle, you oversized spider!" Dodongo roared. "I could squash you like the bug you are!"

Gohma leered. Suddenly her claw was held at the dinosaur's throat.

"Of course, you would have a new neck piercing." She hissed calmly. "Capiche?"

Kingy nodded in terror.

Link stared at the giant fish in awe. It lazed in the water, not seeming to notice the hideous monsters and the crossdresser standing in front of him.

"Just think… Endless sushi!" He giggled.

"Shut up." Navi snapped, throwing Jabu-Jabu a fish.

The massive…thing inhaled suddenly, so hard that he sucked everyone in. They fell in and crashed about falling all around. Link stood up with a slight wobble and staggered forward, only to be knocked over backwards by a Shabom.

"How do giant bubbles hurt me?" Link giggled as he ran into another, intentionally this time. "Answer? They only sting a tiny bit! Whee-hee!"

"This is the guy that Hyrule's destiny depends on?" Gohma moaned.

"We're all doomed! Doomed! Doomed! Doomed!" Kingy moaned, over and over again, until Navi smacked him over the head.

The advanced through the dungeon, until they found a small Zora standing in Jabu-Jabu's belly.

"That was easy!" Navi laughed. "Normally we have to travel around most of the dungeon until we come across some huge monster who we have to defeat/help out to open a blue circle which somehow takes us out!"

"Who are you?" The Zora girl, presumably Ruto demanded.

"I'm Link!" The crossdresser said proudly.

"And why are you wearing a skirt?" She said, backing away.

"It's a tunic!" Link snarled, pupils dilating slightly. Those who were aware of his demonic side, slowly backed away.

Ruto crossed her arms.

"Fine. Why are you here?"

"We came to rescue you." Gohma clicked. "The fat Zora asked us to do it."

"My father asked you to rescue me?" Ruto was surprised. "That fatass actually asked for help?"

"Uh yeah…" King Dodongo nervously examined a spot of blue Zora blood on his front claw. "Anyway come on."

"I'm not leaving!" She snarled, turning away. Somehow, she failed to notice the large pit in front of her and fell screaming to a lower level.

"How could anyone be so stupid as to not see that pit?" Navi asked, raising her eyebrow. No one noticed. Link jumped down and landed on a Bari, which led to a very painful electric shock. He then fell further and was battered backwards by a Shabom. He hit the ground with a painful snap.

"IT'S OKAY! I'm alright! I think my spine has exploded but I'm fine!" He called, sitting upright with his hands in the air.

"STALKER!" Ruto screamed trying to run away. She ran into a room with a bunch of monsters in it. They were promptly murdered in hideous ways. Link ran around in circles, jabbering about the boomerang they had dropped. He had endless fun throwing it repetitively into Dodongo and always getting it back no matter what.

"LINK! FOCUS!" Navi yelled as Ruto vanished into the ceiling and replaced by a giant Octorock.

"Whuh?" He asked as the Octo began eating him. It suddenly died of food poisoning.

"Link…" Gohma asked. "When did you last bathe?"

"What's 'bathe'?"

"Never ever let me bite you."

They went further through the dungeon until they came across a really weird monster.

"Is that its head or its ass?"

"I think that's his stomach… Or his heart."

"Kidneys. No… intestines. No… Spleen."

"How dare you!" The thing hissed. "I was about to ra- I mean… Uh… interrogate the Zora girl. Yeah. Nothing perverted about that… nope…"

"Kill it." Kingy growled, unleashing a fireball.

"I, Barinade, laugh at your pathetic attempts to hurt me!" The anemone hissed. Without warning he unleashed a barrage of lightning blasts that were obscenely fast and powerful for a third boss.

Link threw his boomerang and cut one of Barinade's tentacles. Barinade responded with a blast of electricity. Link rolled to the left and threw the boomerang again.

"Look, that is really annoying." He hissed, sending out a Bari to electrocute Link.

Gohma darted up the wall, sneaking towards Barinade's final tentacle, before clawing it off. Barinade fell to the ground and begun to unleash even more blasts at his opponents.

Finally, Ruto threw a pot at its… whatever it was. It suddenly screeched and fell to the ground gibbering in panic.

"No! Not the pot! ANYTHING BUT THE POT! I beg you! Please… dear god….PLEASE! I'll do anything…" Here Barinade began to sob. "Anything… please…"

Gohma looked at Kingy. Kingy looked at Navi. Navi looked at Link. Link looked at his boomerang. Barinade looked at the pot in terror. Ruto looked at her reflection in a small mirror which appeared from nowhere. Her reflection looked-

"OKAY!" Yelled Gohma. "WE GET IT!"

"How about this?" Navi asked. "Barinade was it? Well Barinade, come with our group on a quest to get rid of an ugly green guy with a gem on his head and magical powers who wants to destroy the world?"

"NEVER!"

"POT!"

"NOOOOOOOOO! OK, OK, OK! I'll come! I'll come!"

"Good Barinade."

They left in the glowy blue light circle. As it shall be known from now on; "GLOWY BLUE LIGHT CIRCLE!" I think that works. It describes it perfectly and it sounds-

"Get on with it." Snapped Ganondorf. "My scene is coming next chapter and you aren't speeding it up.

"Yeah! Get on with it!" Yelled Rauru.

"GET ON WITH IT!" Yelled the Kakiriko villagers.

**But I like ranting!** Raven complained **And-**

_GeT oN wItH iT! _Raven's queen boomed.

**Meep! Yes ma'am!** Raven whimpered, before skipping to the scene after Link get's the Zora's Sapphire.

"IMA GONNA THROW MAH BOMBS NOW!" Link suddenly decided, and began exploding everything in his way. Suddenly he found a cavern. "OOO!" He giggled, running in. He suddenly game back out screaming and gibbering.

"What horrors could be in that cave over there?" Barinade gasped.

"Great fairy." Gohma shrugged, before turning to leave.

"Just a moment…" Barinade hissed, turning towards the cave, muttering something about touching.

He came out screaming. After he and Link regained consciousness, they headed towards Hyrule castle.

Unaware what was waiting for them…

**Do I just suck? Meh.**

**Review PLEASE. I BEG U! REVIEW! PWEEZE!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I made ANOTHER chapter! ANOTHER ONE! W00T!**

**Link: Soooo… When will you work on EVIL or Invader X?**

**Raven:** **SILENCE!**

**Barinade: Isn't it ironic to yell the word silence?**

**Raven: *fuming*…I…Own…Nothing…**

**Chapter 5**

**In which Link refuses to do the main quest**

**(until he finishes all of his errands)**

Link, Navi, Gohma, Kingy, and Barinade all stood outside of castle town. There was a short pause.

"Oh yeah…" Link realized. "We have to wait until daytime to get in."

"But that means…"

"PARTY TIME!" A Stalchild suddenly burst from the ground. "Get the DJ!" He shouted. "Get the chips! Get the milk!"

"Milk?" Kingy snorted. "N00bs. You can't get anything from milk."

"Youse has never had Chateau Romani?" Gasped one of the Stalchilds.

"What…the…FUCK…is Chateau Romani?" Barinade asked.

"A foreign import." Another Stalchild cackled. "Costs a ton but it is WELL worth it. Half a bottle can make you drunk for an entire DAY!"

"Whoa!" Kingy was impressed. "And it's…milk?"

"Yup. Strong milk. Milk that could beat ya in a boxin' match."

"I TAKE THAT AS A CHALLENGE!" Gohma boomed.

**The following scene was so incredibly AWESOME that it had to be censored for the viewer's safety.**

"Un…be…liev…a…ble…" Gohma choked out, staring at the bottle of milk. "I will never challenge you again…"

"ON WIT' DA PARTY!" Screamed the DJ, spinning the discs wildly.

The party was even more awesome than the first one, with a group of Guays joining in along with a giant Stalchild.

The next morning, Link was sprawled on the ground with a milkstache. Navi was rolling in circles, Kingy was sprawled on his back like a dog, Gohma was nursing her injured pride(And head) and Barinade was going for a swim.

"What's wrong with you guys?" The oversized anemone asked. "I thought you were supposed to be all tough."

"Shut up… just shut up…" Navi hissed.

They stood up and approached the now-open gates. Except they weren't open.

"What the-?" Link yelped, as he barely avoided falling into the moat. Slowly the bridge creaked downwards. As it sank lower, Link saw a horse charging towards him. He was about to jump aside, but he had slow reaction time. He was swiftly trampled. Slowly he sat upright weakly. Only to be hit in the head with an ocarina.

Slowly Link teetered… and was knocked back again by another horse. The horse stopped on top of him and leaned down and began to eat him. It shuddered but somehow survived.

Ganondorf, Gerudo king and all-around asshole glanced about. He noticed his ex-minions standing right near him.

Albeit, this was not exactly an impressive feat.

"YOU!" He bellowed, randomly pointing into the group. "Where did she go?"

"Uh… that way!" Barinade said smartly, pointing in the wrong direction.

Ganondorf nodded and kicked his horse, which tore off into the distance.

"Well. I guess that we lost. Ah well. Adventure's over. Dang it. And I could have fu- I mean… met Princess Zelda…" Barinade whined.

"Hey Barinade." Gohma hissed. "Go into that building there for a minute."

Barinade shrugged and went in. An instant later, he burst out screaming like a little girl.

"THE POTS! THE POTS!" He wailed, shuddering in terror. "So…Many…Evil…Pots…."

Gohma smirked to herself. But no one could see it because no one knew where her mouth was.

Link stood up, muttered a few choice words about horses, then declared that he was going to do all of the side quests that were possible at this time, much to Navi's annoyance.

She struck him over the head.

"Important stuff first Link!"

"NEVER!" Link hissed, running into the shooting gallery. He ran out ten minutes later with his prize. He efficiently moved to the mask shop, and decided to skip that quest because the salesman gave him the creeps.

**In Kakiriko village graveyard…**

Link changed day into night…and back to day. And then to night. And then to day… and then to night…

"LINK WOULD YOU FUCKING GET ON WITH THE ADVENTURE!" Navi howled.

**Meanwhile…**

Gohma was drinking beer.

"I wash…hic! Raped by milk… hic! MILK!" She moaned to the bartender, who nodded sympathetically.

"It happened to me. And my cousin. And his daughter… And that guy." He said sadly, jabbing a finger at the man who was always prancing around. "He never got over it and has always been a little jittery since the day it happened."

"Hic!" Gohma nodded. "I'm jush… havin some drinksh… gotta get over thish… I shtill don' get… how it kicked my assh so hard…"

"Chateau Romani?" The bartender asked. Gohma nodded bitterly.

"I tink… de only ting… dat shtuffs… good for… is gettin drunk…" She moaned, before passing out.

**Back with Link…**

Link played Saria's song and became a Skull Kid's friend.

"DADADADAAAA! YOU GOT A PIECE OF HEART! COLLECT FOUR PIECES TO GET A NEW HEART CONTAINER!" Underpants man again.

"What the hell is a heart container?" Navi wondered briefly as Link played a game that involved repetitively firing his slingshot at a small circular piece of wood, and giggling as numbers mysteriously rose up from it.

**At the same time…**

King Dodongo rolled down death mountain at obscene speeds, racing Biggoron to the bottom. He had fallen in the random crevasse several times, and been allowed to start over each time.

"I WILL WIN MY FIFTY RUPEES!" He roared as he barreled ahead of Biggoron.

**With Link…**

Link entertained himself by wildly swinging his sword at the walls in the Temple of Time while he waited for the others.

**I'm not entirely sure where this is at…**

Barinade was flirting with girls, who typically ran away at the sight of the giant… thing. Finally he got sick of failing, so he *CENSORED* them instead.

**Finally, when everyone was done with their respective… Errands…**

"I still think we should have done the main quest first." Navi pouted.

"Are you kidding?" Link asked. I got two more empty bottles, two more songs, these weird skull shaped tokens, and these seemingly useless pieces of heart."

"Oh joy. Useless things." Navi snorted.

Link placed the three jewels into the little slot thingies where they probably belonged and then played a seemingly random series of notes.

With a slow grinding sound, the door of time slowly moved out of the way.

"_Oh god!" _A soft voice hissed. "_I bet those assholes think that the door is moving itself. Oh my spine… I don't get paid enough for this…"_

"_You're getting paid!" _Another voiced hissed sharply in shock. _"THOSE BASTARDS IN MANAGEMENT WILL ANSWER TO THIS!"_

"_Shh… They aren't supposed to hear us!" _

"_Fuck that! I need to get paid! I will be- GKKK!"_

Silence.

Navi blinked.

"O….kay… Wow." She mumbled, before entering the room along with the others.

Link was tugging wildly at a long, rather cool-looking sword in a pedestal. He pulled for a minute, before studying the blade for a moment. He gave it a firm tap with his sword hilt, and then yanked on it hard, yanking the sword out of the pedestal, successfully this time.

Suddenly, they were surrounded by a wall of blue light.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!" Gohma wailed as they were dragged into a white void.

Suddenly Ganondorf appeared in front of them.

"Good work my minions!" He cackled. "You successfully helped me get the Triforce by pretending to join this little kid and letting him live long enough to remove the barrier keeping me out of the Sacred Realm!"

"Yeaaaah…" Kingy said. "That's what we were planning. Mmmyep. All along…"

"YOU BASTARDS BETRAYED ME!" Link wailed. "And I thought we were friends!" He began crying wildly. "Damn you all! May you die in a fire!"

Barinade electrocuted him into unconsciousness.

"Hopefully the little fairy boy won't remember that…" He muttered.

The void began to close in once again…

"DAMN THESE CLIFFHANGAR ENDINGS!" Navi howled.

**MWHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA! AHHAHAHAH- *cough, cough***

**Ehem. Review plz!**


	6. Done here for a while

**I regret to inform you all, that I've given up writing fanfics. I might write a parody or two, but aside from that, I'm done. I AM however going to continue writing on Deviantart and Fictionpress.**

**Sorry. I'm done here.**


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